Lost

I don't know what to do with the rest of my college career. I don't know what I want to study and for most people about to finish their freshman year of college, this isn't a big deal. I walked in as almost a sophomore though, thanks to over achievement in high school and now?

Now it's kicking my ass. Now, it's making me regret it, but I suppose in the long run, I did save money. Oh I'll still be in school for four years or longer, but it's getting so close that I don't know how long I'll be here.

After the fall semester of my sophomore year, I won't know what to take. I suppose I'll keep taking science classes until somehow I end up with a bachelor's degree in biology, but what to do with that? I don't want to be a biology major.

I walked in to Truman State wanting to be a nursing major. As time has passed and I still haven't gotten a rejection or an acceptance letter, I'm beginning to question it. I'm beginning to question it for several reasons.

I'm worried they don't want me. This makes me wonder if I ever really wanted it myself or if I was just doing it because I had nothing else to study and it was something that I could get a decent job with anywhere in the world and be able to sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I also wonder if I ever really wanted it or if my dreams were just results of whatever pizza I had eaten the night before. Yeah... that's right. I chose my major because of dreams. I kept having dreams I was a nurse.

I took it as a sign from God that that's where my calling lay and I had it planned out. I was going to my choice school for four years, I'd graduate with my BSN and then disappear to Cambodia or some place for a year and do missionary work as a nurse and as a disciple for my faith. I still want to do that, but I don't know what degree I'll end up walking out of here with.

I don't even have a freaking plan B for this. I don't know what I want to study. I'm considering English or Journalism only because my minors are German and photography, but I honest to God don't think I could spend my life writing newspaper articles. Do you know what would be hella cool? Writing and photographing for National Geographic. That would be the coolest plan B in the world to me. Or being a marine biologist, but that would limit my choice of living. Marine biologists don't make enough money for me to live in California and I hate the weather in Florida too much to actually live there.

And I feel like I'm falling to pieces here. My spirit is being crushed by what my life has turned in to since coming to college. I never again thought I would feel alone as I did a few years ago, but here I am now convinced that at 20 years old, my happiness in life has completely peaked and the rest of the world failed to see it. I did... and I'd give the world to have it back.